Life sucks. Some days. Not every day. But there are moments when, even though things have gone pretty good all day long, melancholy sets in and life--for a few minutes, anyway--sucks.
So what do you do when you look around and are satisfied with absolutely nothing? And I mean, Nuh-theeeeng. Zero. Zip. Nada. Your husband is busy doing his own thing. Your child is playing by himself, when he should have that always-present playmate. The dog is having trouble deciding whether she wants to be outside or inside. Some projects are completed. (And though there is satisfaction in the completion, there is also a let down of activity.) People griping about stuff over which you have no control. Laundry is piling up. Bedroom is a mess. Bathrooms are dirty. And absolutely NOTHING seems right in the world, let alone in life!
Hey, even the most optimistic people have their down moments. The realists have them even more. And those pessimists? Good is about as elusive as a snow ball in Miami. And since I consider myself an optimistic realist, I do have a few down times. More so in the last several months. The blues are gettin' sung a lot more in my mind. Unfortunately.
So what do I do? Really. I have no real answers here. I have my faith. I have an awesome support system. Wonderful family and friends. But sometimes, in moments, it seems that absolutely nothing will help. It seems, in those moments, that despair and melancholy are now a permanent and increasingly present fixture in my life. And I do NOT like it! I don't like feeling sad. I don't like feeling blue. I don't like crying. This is not like me!
I can't stand it when people are continually complaining about their life. The kind of day they are having. Their kids. Their husband. I can't stand it! I want to scream at them, "Appreciate what you have! This may be the last day you'll have to spend with your child!" I have never liked hearing those constant complainers. And now, I fear, I am becoming one. Oh, the agony of becoming someone you don't like!
I'm not going to ask what else could go wrong. I know there are many, many things that could go wrong. I always cringe when someone asks that. Life has taught me--through observation and experience--that there are countless things that could still go wrong. And if you are wondering that when you experience small and inconsequential trials, what on earth will you be thinking when major trials come your way? I assure you that things can DEFINITELY get worse.
I guess really, if I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I'm having a pity party and didn't bother to invite anyone else. But, I don't like parties of one! I like it when I'm surrounded by friends. Good times. Laughter. Love. But when I am feeling blue, down, sad, depressed... I don't want anyone else with me. And I don't like it and I don't know what to do about it.
Please don't tell me to pray about it. Read my Bible more. Go to church more. Fellowship more. Really? I do those things faithfully. I don't want your pity or your sympathy. I don't want pat answers. I don't want you to tell me I need counseling or drugs (though honestly, drugs sound really tempting at times!). Actually, I don't really know what I want. Well, yes, I do. I want to be able to re-wind and live December 17, 2005 - May 24, 2010 over and over and over and over and over again. Until I can be with ALL of my family again, I'm afraid there will be many days when I will think, "Life sucks."
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